I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
