I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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