1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
