come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
