I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
