i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
