Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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