dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
