worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
