We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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