All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
