I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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