I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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