I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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