I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
