If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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