haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
