I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
