My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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