i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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