I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
