All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
