Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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