Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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