I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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