Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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