Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
