i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
