Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My feet surprised me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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