Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My balls are so social today.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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