I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
