Don't make out with my wife yet
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
