Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
