the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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