i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I could make wine with my vomit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
