Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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