The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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