The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
