I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
