Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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