Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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