I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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