when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
