Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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