4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
