I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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