evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize