why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
