either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
