I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
accomplished twins. life is a go
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
