dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
