I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
