One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ladies don't puke and tell
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
